Journal Entry 238

If I can write a letter to my past self, it will be something like this:

Remember to rejoice with those who are rejoicing in their prospering relationships even when things did not work out for yourself. This life is temporary, and marriage isn’t guaranteed.

Don’t allow the Devil to make you feel forgotten by the Lord. He promised that He will never leave you nor forsake you. He allowed your relationships to not work out while others are getting married because He knows what is best for you. He is constantly protecting you, and nothing is outside of His sovereign will.

The next time you film a wedding, see the engagement posts, and witness God bring people together, remember to smile for them. Pray for them. Pray for God’s grace to fall upon them as they are learning to biblically love each other.

Continue to love others without expecting anything back. Remember that is unconditional love! In spite of your efforts, God will graciously bring a special girl along to love you with all of your imperfections. And, if you go through another shattering heartbreak then rest your head on the sovereignty of God.

God will heal & strengthen you as He always do. Your life is not your own. His love is better than life. Glorify the Lord in times when He gives and times when He withholds. Yet, God promised that He will not withhold any good thing to those who walk uprightly.

Journal Entry 237

Today is the Lord’s Day and the last day of the year. It has been a very sanctifying year for many of us, including myself. I learned things that I never thought I had to endure. but the Lord surely helped me.

In 2 Peter 1:5-11 was the main text preached today:

⁵ But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, ⁶ to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, ⁷ to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. ⁸ For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹ For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins.

¹⁰ Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things, you will never stumble; ¹¹ for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

It is a tremendous blessing to sit under sound preaching, and to be able to have other Christians walk alongside with me through some of the most difficult trials. Glory be to God!

Journal Entry 236

Blogging in the middle of the night is much harder than I thought. I finished my work at 11pm yesterday, but I have been mentally fatigued for the past 5-6 hours. I’m dealing with numerous thoughts in my mind, and my sleep has not been optimal as a night shifter lately. I have yet to post my first blog for the book review site. I want to have an introduction and lay out the foundation and convictions I have for my passion project. However, I debate in my mind whether I should wait until I go home and sleep for the best mental status or if I should just pray and ask for God to strengthen me. Even my typing slows down when I’m not mentally at my best.

Nonetheless, I still mediate on the Word of God in the middle of the night: Proverbs 3:5-8 (NKJV)

⁵ “Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths. ⁷ Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and depart from evil.
⁸ It will be health to your flesh,
And strength to your bones.”

I’m at a point in my life where there is much temptation to have an existential crisis. I’m 29 years old, and this is the life that I did not expect to be living. Yet, this is what the Bible says. I need the kind of faith described in Hebrews 11 to endure this Christian race. I’m not living in sin, but I’ll occasionally stumble in doubt about the future. I want one thing, but it is evident that the Lord has something else for me.

I recently saw a popular online series where the protagonist is confronted by the antagonist with option A and option B. It seemed like a lose-lose situation, and the protagonist was clearly at crossroads. Incredibly speaking, the hero eventually found another way and chose option C, which saved the entire multiverse. A fictional superhero story surprisingly brought tears to my eyes that night because I thought about how often Christians are faced with difficult trials or impossible situations. But God opens up a better pathway that the human mind couldn’t perceive coming to dealing with those issues.

This is why faith is so essential. Our human minds are finite while God is infinite. Trusting in His attributes also requires a holy fear, and He promised that He will supply the faith for us to have that (Philippians 2:13). Daily communion through prayer and meditation of the Word is how Christians acknowledge Him in all of their ways. Because through that means of grace, we are reminded of where wisdom comes from and why we need to trust in God more. May God increase my faith!

Journal Entry 235

Christians, such as I, often forget that we don’t belong here. We can get caught up in this temporal life and entangled with the affairs of this world (2 Timothy 2:4). Yesterday’s sermon was helpful in reminding the church that the days are evil (Ephesians 5:15).

As a single person, one of the comments I occasionally receive is that I do too many things. Or I have too much activity on my plate. Honestly, I don’t always agree with those statements. Yes, I can be very ambitious, and I’m fully aware of Psalm 127:1-2.

The problem I struggled with is idleness, and pursuing things that is beneficial for myself and others helps me to combat that. This issue became very evident during the lockdown and pandemic in 2020. Of course, I don’t want to live in extremes. I want to discern the will of the Lord and part of learning that is simply trying different things.

I don’t want to have any regrets about how I used my singleness if the Lord does give me a wife and family one day. Paul clearly wrote that singles could care more for the things of the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32-33). Therefore, I’m going to keep myself busy with things that I believe will cultivate my sanctification and edification of the church. At the same time, I trust the Lord will help me find rest in the midst of all of my responsibilities.

The biggest priority is my personal relationship with God. John 17:3 says, “And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.” The next priority is loving the local church (John 13:34). Thirdly, I have my worldly responsibilities, such as my occupation and stewardship. As long, as I’m able to tend to those top three things in my life then I believe I’m free to pursue other things in this life.

Therefore, I don’t always listen to my critics as a man of many convictions. May God continue to lead me and guide me.

Journal Entry 234

Finding out that I can blog in jail is very exciting. I’m not arrested by any means. I just work night shift here. This is awesome because I tend to be too exhausted after work or caught up with other matters when I’m at home. This will be my very first entry while in the Bexar County jail.

What I enjoy about my job is that not only do I get to help this underserved population, but I also have so much leisure time that can be utilized to study, meditate, read, pray, and more. Within my 10-hour shifts, I usually finish my work within 3-4 hours. I get paid very well too. I only wish this was happening during the day instead of overnight.

A passion project that I’ve been planning to start-up is a Christian book review blog site. I know guys like Tim Challies posted book reviews on their blog sites, but they also have other types of posts. I want to dedicate a site to just reviewing books. I’ve recently completed two books where the majority of the reading was done at work. It was so refreshing and helpful for me. God certainly used it for my good. I pray that God will use it to further His kingdom and to edify the Church.

Journal Entry 233

Recently, I had a renewed spark for learning theology specifically regarding Covenant Theology. I dove into this topic back in 2016 and read The Law of Christ by Charles Leiter. I would say that I fall into that camp given I don’t fully agree with the 1689 London Baptist Confession, especially regarding the Sabbath. Currently, I’m reading The Mystery of Christ by Sam Renihan, a prominent theologian in the Reformed Baptist camp.

Throughout my Christian life, I’d considered myself a general Reformed Baptist, but there is distinct camp known as the Particular Baptists. From my knowledge and from after reading numerous articles, they are Calvinists who strongly hold to the 1689 LBC. With the given free time I have at my work, I’m motivated to dedicate a large portion of the time to diligently study God’s word and these deep topics. Renihan urges the reader to study with humility and with a heart to worship as Covenant Theology is difficult to understand yet very important to examine as a Christian.

May God fill me with wisdom and lead me in the right direction. I want to know more truth that my knowledge of Christ increases as well as my affections for Him. This needs to be devotional otherwise, I will get swept away in the philosophy and systems that modern theology contains.

Journal Entry 232

It has been about 4 months since I last posted and much has occurred. There has been sort of an elephant in the room that I think needs to be addressed. Perhaps, it is more like a neglected elephant–something that has been moved to the background after these months passed by.

About 5 months ago, I ended my relationship with Rachel. There was a point where I was “in love” with her, but those affections unfortunately faded. We had our differences, but I came to the conviction that we were simply not compatible. Without going into much detail about the breakup, I think strongly believed it was best for us to part ways. After receiving much counseling from multiple married couples and other individuals, I had their support for my decision.

Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”

Proverbs 15:22 also says, “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.”

Unfortunately, that big decision came with a price. The cost was my reputation being stained with one-sided opinions and wrong information being spread among the sister churches. Rachel is a very well-known and popular person in these church circles, and we share a lot of mutual friends. It a couple of months with the help of my friends for the gossip and slander at my own church to eventually cease. There were so many moments where I was very tempted to speak publically about the issue because I sat back and listened to what others were saying as if they knew the full story.

The reality is the same people who gossiped will never know the full story because it was not their business. I was encouraged by an older woman to remain silent as Christ remained silent as He was falsely accused of blasphemy. I listened to her wise words. There were moments when my friends came to me asking for my side of the story, and those were opportunities for me to clarify any misunderstandings. My true friends know me well enough to understand my thought process and to understand why I did what I did. However, I made it clear to them as well that they only received one side of the story. I was fair while others decided not to be.

One of the most heart-wrenching realities I had to face after the relationship ended was during my time at the Fellowship Conference in Denton, Texas. After talking to many people about attempting to make peace between me Rachel, and her parents, I found out multiple people were praying for my downfall. I was informed that Rachel’s friends, some of whom I apparently know, were praying that our relationship would end. They were telling her how glad they were. Well, I am sure they were really happy to see that their prayers were answered.

I do not understand what I did or what I said to make people see me as unfitting to marry their friend. I do not believe these people truly know me and are only judging from wrongly perceived ideas. I was so sad at the Fellowship Conference. Being there was very difficult knowing that there were people with such negative thoughts about me. That was the main reason why I did not want to come back to it. I tearfully told Mack Tomlinson that it will be my last time there. I will miss seeing many people and listening to the preaching there. God knows the truth about that. Perhaps, I just said that because of recent events and the emotions involved with the aftermath.

Well, now Rachel is happy being in a relationship with someone I know. And, I am happy for them. I will not be praying for their downfall, and I know none of my friends will. I hope the best for them and that their relationship will be God-honoring.

Journal Entry 231

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:7)

The Lord has been showing me the effects of what it feels like to be misunderstood and poorly judged. Recently, I’ve heard many wrongful rumors and negative assumptions made about me over a big decision that I recently made. My initial reaction is to defend my reputation, but an older Christian woman advised me to remain silent and to be like Christ in this situation. One of my deacons encouraged me that he also had many negative comments made towards him over his convictions and previous decisions made in his own congregation. Sadly, in my 13 years of being in the church, this is a common struggle for the body of Christ. She is forgiven and redeemed but this corrupted flesh remains in each of us. It is so easy to view issues and people through your own paradigm without making proper assessments of the situation or persons involved.

I heard some of the most painful and hurtful things over the last couple of weeks (and days), but I rather not share it here on this platform. I wasn’t supposed to know, and I am not looking for pity from my readers. The Lord is teaching me to care less of how others wrongfully perceive me, but be more concered about how the Lord looks at me. He sees the righteousness of Christ applied to my whole life. He sees me as His child, an imperfect one, and one who will be completely perfected one day. I do not have to prove to everyone around me for the decisions I made and future decisions to be made. As long as I am living accordingly to God’s Word, surrounded by a multitude of godly counsel, and have a clear conscience then I can live uprightly. Those who sinfully gossiped and slandered are not going to judge me on the final day. Furthermore, I can forgive them and love them as Christ has done to me.

This year may be the last time I attend the Fellowship Conference in Denton, Texas. I do not believe I taking an easy route out of my trials. Based of what I recently experienced and the context of my current situation, I believe it is spiritually and mentally healthy for me to step away from that environment. It is not wise for me to go into details in public at this time.

However, it was tremendous huge blessing since I started attending 10 years ago. Many friendships were formed, many convictions were experienced, and many good books were purchased. I will miss seeing many familiar faces, but I believe it is best for me spend the weekend elsewhere in the future. I will continue to pray for those attending in upcoming years. The Lord certainly blessed many sermons preached there and to those around the world watching through I’ll Be Honest. May God help us to continue to live fervently for Him.

 “Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.” (Romans 12:11)

Journal Entry 230

When it comes to reading the New Testament, it is always refreshing to read a Pauline epistle in one sitting. It is not always easy to understand everything that he mentions due to the historical and language gaps between today’s reader and the original readers.

A fellow apostle even wrote, “as also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things, in which are some things hard to understand, which untaught and unstable people twist to their own destruction, as they do also the rest of the Scriptures.” (2 Peter 3:16 NKJV)

Even with a causal read I still need the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts and interpretation of the passages. In recent days, I have been meditating on Ephesians 3:15-17: “See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.“

Understanding what the will of the Lord is requires a certain walk or lifestyle. By just taking the text at face value, I understand that there is wisdom involved and there is time to be redeemed. Time is constantly fleeting; it does not wait for no one. Our days are numbered, and I need the grace of God to practice what I know is right and excellent throughout my days. Charles Spurgeon once said, “Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong. It is knowing the difference between right and almost right.” Wasted time is one of the most tragic things in this life. Money comes and go, but time does not. May God continue to give me discernment and self-control for even the smaller matters.

Our days are full of evil. It is in our human nature to desire things that waste time. But, we have to identify those things that may not even be a sin in of itself because it can send us into spiritual lethargy. Hebrews 12:1 -2: “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us.”

Journal Entry 229

Much has occurred in the last 5 months. I am very thankful for the many things God blessed me with during this period. Firstly, I began a relationship with a girl who lives 6 hours away. We first met at a double wedding in Missouri where she was the photographer and I was the videographer. That was the Spring of 2017. She was merely an acquaintance to me since then. Last , I attended her 30th birthday party and something special happened. I started to see her in a different light. The way she conducted herself and cared about her guests was attractive to me. I loved her personality.

I called her on November 9th, the day after her actual birthday, to let her know that I was highly interested in getting to know her more. Fast forward over 3 months later, and I am deeply in love with this lady. We have grown so much in our appreciation for each other; creating many memories; experienced many trips together; and we had many deep conversations. We are trusting in God’s guidance for the trajectory of our lovely friendship.

“A man’s heart plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.” -Proverbs 16:9

I look forward to knowing and loving Rachel more. May God help us and direct my steps.