Journal Entry 181

“I do long to be more godly. It seems so sad that the heart should wander from God and want other things. As this is a private and personal letter I want to ask your prayer and advice on, what is to me, a great source of distress and perplexity in my inner life. I find that in prayer wandering thoughts come in, and then in confessing them, often more wandering thoughts come, and in this way often quite a considerable time will be taken up in a desperate struggle to get clear of the various thoughts, and fix the heart and mind in an unwavering concentration on God. Youcan understand how exhausting this is for one’s head, and really now by the time one has been able to pray believing for them all, one’s head is often throbbing, and one is quite wearied. When I see how many are owning up to [the] neglect of private prayer, gross and heavy and more or less bind, I dare not give it up.” ~D.E. Host to Hudson Taylor

I am certainly going through for a while now. I do not know hard pressed Host was, but I do feel the pressure and difficulty of trying to claw my way through this trial. I sense the demons are relentlessly firing at the core of my Christian life. While willingly to be watchful, my flesh has been weak indeed. The fatigue of all the things am I responsible for is making me more vulnerable to temptation and sin.

“Regarding a wandering mind in prayer; I have found more help in pray aloud, and praying while walking about — talking as to a present Lord — than in any other way. I do not think that wandering in thoughts at all necessarily indicates a loss of spiritual life, but it does show a loss of nerve-ton and calls for [rest]…use of measures as will generally give vigor to the health.” ~Hudson Taylor’s Response

May God lead me not into temptation for His namesake and keep me afresh for His love.

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