Journal Entry 117

I sense the Lord’s patience and grace towards me today. Jesus said to seek first the kingdom of God, and there are times when my mind seek lesser things before I go before the Throne. My mind has been troubled and stressed by my work lately. I had confidence that I will do well three days ago, and after yesterday, I lost some of that confidence. It is by the Lord’s grace that yesterday was a rough day because I learned to depend on him more.

Just like in nursing school, I have to acquire the right perspective and mindset during these trials. When I studied so hard for my exams, I pictured myself studying next to Christ. I said, “Lord, we are doing this together; I am not alone.” The same goes with every other areas in my life.

Christ was not a lonely man, vertically speaking. He was intimate with the Father. He lived in power of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, I will seek draw near to God, and there is an expectation for God to draw near to me. I trust in His promises, but my faith needs to increase.

I have been worrying about tomorrow, as I head back to the hospital with 5 patients again as a part of my training. 5-6 patients is the real test for me to know if I am ready to be on my own or not. The Lord is good and faithful because in His word He said, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things…” (Matthew 6:34).

I am known to be a very calm and mellow person. The truth is, I can be very anxious in times like these. Moreover, the greater truth is The LORD Will Provide. God knows what he is doing. He would not allow me to have this job if He knew it was not the right fit for me. Jesus said not to worry about what we eat, drink, or about the clothing we will wear. He knows what our bodies need. He knows which food have the right nutrients and minerals to sustain us. He knows the right earthly material to clothe us with. Furthermore, He knows not only for mankind but also for the beast and botanical. The omniscient God knows! From the subatomic level to the macroscopic universe, He operates without another Lawgiver over Him. He gives and he takes away. Therefore, I should not be anxious for anything, “but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” (Philippians 4:6). Matthew 7:7 is in no way a cliche, despite people’s abuse of it; it is a reality that needs to be lived in. May God help me to not write all of this and just walk away as a dog returning to his own vomit. I cannot go through another day without desperation of Christ. Even though I do not have work today, it is just as important as yesterday or tomorrow for the Lord has made this day for ultimately Himself. By His love, I am partaking in His glory.

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