Journal Entry 83

The Lord has been humbling me through sickness and giving me over to my sins. Even though it is the Summer, I still have a lot of studying to do for my national board exam. Without passing this test, I will not be licensed to practice as a nurse. I have been studying for the past two months, and I am losing the desire to continue to study. It is hard to see my classmates taking it sooner and passing it. I decided to wait this long because my scores for the practice exams were not high enough. It is also difficult to study at home when there are many distractions.

There are days when I waste time, and I try to catch up in my studies by staying up late. Of course, that puts me at risk for losing focus due to the fatigue, and my flesh is fed whenever I lose self-control. A couple of nights ago, I went to my best friend’s house to exercise, and eventually we watched a movie. I went home around 4am and browsed on the internet until 7am. Originally, I just wanted to buy tickets of the sequal to the movie I watched with my friend. However, one thing let to another, and I was lost in the internet.

The next day I become feverish and physically weak. I took another practice (to stay consistent) and scored the lowest that I ever scored. I recognized that I put myself in this situation, and I confessed my sins to the Lord. I do not want to do that again. The consequences continued as I was not able to attend the Men’s prayer breakfast on Saturday morning and Sunday morning worship. Instead, I listened to a live sermon through my smart phone. There is this app called Livestream that is able to record the sermon live with a delay of a couple of seconds.

I will briefly say that it was a blessing to still be able to hear preaching when I am sick on my bed. However, I will not say that it is the same as hearing preaching live and being the worship in person with the brethren alongside me. I do not usually allow sickness to prevent me from going to church, but I sense that my issue is rooted in the spiritual realm. Perhaps, I am not as passionate for fellowship as I once was.

Lastly, I told my mother that I am moving to Texas, and she was not happy with my decision. She wanted me to either stay with her in Florida or live with my sister in Illinois. There is going to be a lot of resistance when I try to make the move. My parents will try to block the door to Texas. Most of my siblings are not supportive of this decision. But, I strongly believe this is what God wants for me, and I hope that one day my family will move to me. It’s not that I don’t like living with my family and all I want is independence. My parents are in their 60’s, and they are not the healthiest they can be. I expect that one day, someone in the family will have to take care of them on a regular basis. I told my mother that I am willing to take care of her whenever she needs it. The nursing home will never be an option as long as I am alive.



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