Journal Entry 81

The Lord has been very gracious and patient with me throughout these tough weeks. I continually face new trials along with some recurring ones. He recently rebuked me of self-pity. I have not been responding properly to my difficulties, and there are moments when I misused counsel and have it as a means to start a pity party instead of actually getting help–being pointed to Christ whom all I have.

I have around a month left until I take the national board exam to be licensed as a nurse. I will continue my job search next week. Lord willing, I will have an offer in San Antonio. My parents do not want me to move there, but I sense that I must. I first desired the move over 5 years ago, when I was 16 years young. My church family does not want me to move either. However, I strongly believe I cannot pass up on this opportunity. It wouldn’t make sense to me to do it at another time and way.

I have been filming weddings over the years, and the Lord has been blessing with the good resources and experienced individuals in this art. Today, I finished my 6th one. Due to this, I have been thinking and fantasizing about marriage, and who I might be married to. To be honest, I’ve been coveting and being single is a really big trial at this moment. I knew it wouldn’t difficult in nursing school because I was too busy studying and trying to do God’s will for me. However, now I am at the stage of working full time. If I move to San Antonio, I know this is going to be a struggle because there are a lot more younger people there than where I am at right now. A brother from that church once told me when I graduated high school that a prudent wife comes from the Lord. I seriously thought I was going to start courting a girl after high school and marry her, but that never happened. I still remain single throughout my whole life. But, that did not meant my emotions were never tampered with.

I don’t know if I will ever be married. I was encouraged years ago to not set my hopes on marriage, due what is actually eternal, by the pastor that might be my shepherd if I successfully move to San Antonio. I need that encouragement again! Since the church is married to Christ, there is still this marriage bed that I need to keep pure. In other words, I have to remain pure until the end regardless because God saved me. And because I am a Christian, I am in a relationship with Christ.

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” ~Hebrews 13:4 (ESV)

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