Journal Entry 76

Today is Easter, and I am not sure how to view the holiday, and handle it. It’s obviously celebrated with the purposes in my society, but the questions that are often asked is: Can it be redeemed? If so, what does that look like?

The same discussion goes for Christmas, though I am sure Jesus Christ was actually not actually born on December 25th. Anyhow, I got to see some folks at church since at least a month ago. It’s always nice to see the brethren face to face once again. However, I did felt some tension between and others, but I tend to think the worst scenario in almost everything, so it may be just me. Yet, on the other hand, I am pretty good at noticing subtle changes in relationships that don’t seem positive.

This Spring break is coming to an end, and I feel very weary, and I have been defeated by sin. Ironically, I have been sharing to an old friend about the power of the resurrection of Jesus Christ (Romans 6 and various passages. I know that I still need to be constantly reminded about that truth and believing in it even though I tried to convince someone else about it. However, I won’t deny that my words would be more powerful if I am currently experiencing the truth. Unfortunately, I am going through a very dark time. By that, I mean that I am struggling with sin left and right. The physical exhaustion from school waters down the convictions and makes it difficult for me to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit.

I notice in myself that in deep struggles I am quick to put the blame on others along with myself. There may be bitterness and anger mixed in my weariness. I feel pathetic and pitiful while angry towards those who I believe can help me. In the midst of all of this, I feel as though God’s hand is heavy upon me day and night (Psalm 32:4).

I haven’t experienced much joy in the Lord for many months. Today, I had a hard time focusing during the service, and I wasn’t surprised for I knew I fed the flesh numerous times during my Spring Break.

Later today, I was supposed to have dinner with my family, but there were some miscommunication. Originally, we were going to go at 5pm, but I requested to push it back to 6:30pm. I wanted to change the time to meet because I was working on a poster for school. Once 6:30pm approaches, I tried to call him again to tell him that I was not able to finish on time, and I wanted to see if I can delay it to 7pm or later. He did not pick up his cell phone, and my sister decided not to tell me that she was eating with them when I called her to ask her if my mom was at home. At 7:30pm, he finally called me back. I found at that they have been eating without me. I got angry at my dad. I yelled at him for not picking up his phone and neglecting me. Of course, that was not Christ-like, and I felt convicted about it. I told him that I decided not to go because I was so angry, and I just wanted to finish my school work from that point. I went home, ate some fruits and bread, and began working on more homework.

Maybe my problem is that I should not be doing homework on the Lord’s Day, but I still have not taken the time to figure out how fourth commandment applies to me.

Anyhow, this day was not as how I planned it to be. I know the Lord put trials in my life to test my faith, and in the midst of my constant failures, I do wonder if I am still a slave of sin. Furthermore, I did not seek forgiveness from my family for how I reacted. It’s not like I never had before as a professing Christian. In fact, I have done it numerous times. But, that the past does not matter as much as the present. Many professing Christians like to refer back to their past as evidence of their salvation rather than the present. Right now, the present isn’t looking so good, even though I have grown in knowledge of theology.

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