Journal Entry 75

I am home for Spring Break, even though it is not really much of a break. It’s a break from my classes and clinical but not from my school work and studies. I actually spent almost half of it in my dorm because I was trying to get a lot of work done. I came home because I was supposed to meet up with someone. I hung out with an old friend who I met in my Lutheran High School. He grew up in the Lutheran church, unsurprisingly. Anyhow, we had a few talks about Christianity and Christ in the past when I was in high school. I would post a lot of videos from I’ll Be Honest, including sermons and bible studies from Tim Conway and Paul Washer, so that started many conversations with my classmates.

This friend and I have drawn closer to each other over the past years. Our relationship is growing stronger, as I make him laugh every time I see him. However, I am convicted that showing him the truth about Christ and himself is more important than anything. I believed that he was not truly saved back when we were in high school. I think he does not even profess to be a Christian anymore. He used to wear his cross necklace, but I haven’t seen him wore it in a long time. His parents and at least one of his cousins are professing Christians, so they have a great influence on him. At this point, I can pray for him and use every opportunity that I can.

Also, I have been experiencing of demonic oppression wherever I go. Living in a house that worships idols is just as hard as being in a college campus that is filled with sin. I feel alone at times, but I think part of it is buying into lies that I am alone when God is really here with me. It’s a really tough struggle, and a hard season in my life. A lot of the brethren that I know hardly talk to me over the phone. There was a time that I called 4-5 different men to talk to, and only one man picked up his phone. He happens to be single too since he lost his wife years ago. I was sad that the other guys never responded, and they were the guys closer to me in church. The demons used that to make me think that I am alone without any support.

I don’t want sympathy. I just want ongoing, consistent fellowship. I may not meet with a Christian everyday, but it would make a huge difference if I have someone to talk to over the phone at least once or twice a week. I do spend a significant amount of time with others on the Lord’s Day, but that is not sufficient for me to get through the week. To think that having an evening service will make up fellowship during the week is foolishness.

I admit I have gotten angry, bitter, sad, depressed, and weary. I knew nursing school was tough, but I did not expect to have this sort of experience. Sometimes I wonder if it is the Lord’s biggest chastening He has ever given to me.

I also became envious of those older men who share with me how they speak with so and so throughout the week. Some times I feel that they are rubbing it in my face that they have someone to fellowship with on a regular basis while I am struggling to find someone that is willing to. It is like the person I am seeking counsel from want me to find some else to converse with because they are too busy for me. I guess not everyone is meant to have a close friend to receive counsel from. I usually assume that I just have to accept the way things are and suck it up. I don’t know what the expectations look like anymore in terms of fellowship. Ever since I left the Korean church and started attending this American church, it seemed like I sacrificed fellowship for theology. That should not be the case; there should be both elements. Through discussions with other members, some sadly agreed and others are in denial.

What I’ve noticed from the people that I talk to in church is that those who are married or have family members who are Christian feel comfortable and don’t see the need to reach out to those who are single and have no Christian contact in their family. I wish I could change this, but I am not pastor. I can’t preach. I have expressed my concerns, but one of my pastors was mostly in denial and defensive. He admit that there needs to be changes, but I fear this lack of church wide fellowship is not at the top priority. Therefore, we are suffering from the consequences.

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