Journal Entry 73

Today, I went to the hospital, as I normal do on Fridays. It was a good shift. I start from 7 am until 1 pm, so I get a solid 6 hours of clinical experience each time. It was not as busy as it was last week, as my preceptor had four patients rather than five. It really puts me in a place to trust God, and He reminded me to pray for His guidance during the shift. I do pray for my patients. When it comes to prayer, I believe that I am able to prioritize the things that have an eternal effect and the things that have a temporal effect. I am not saying that the physical realm can never affect the physical realm. What I am saying is that my patient’s salvation is far more important than their infection, high blood pressure, or sore back. In light of what the bible teaches about hell and judgment, it is stupid to think that our physical needs outweighs our spiritual needs. However, I have come to the realization that if I am willing to administer medication, a physical substance, then why not pray to the One who is sovereign over that medication? Isn’t also foolish to exclude God from the plan of care for He is the one who created all things? Doesn’t His omniscience enough to stir-up the Christian healthcare provider to lean upon His wisdom and understanding? One thing that nursing school is teaching me is that I am working alongside with the Lord, not autonomously or just with my colleagues. Him and I do everything together, whether I am fully aware of that or not because He sustains all things. He sustains every single cell in my body for my existence. Apart from Him I am literally nothing. Furthermore, God, the Holy Spirit, guides me and provides grace and wisdom. This occurs when I am thinking. This occurs when I talk to others. This may occur spontaneously. Praise God for allowing me to attend nursing school and to become a nurse. Though, there are struggles and failures that I had. When I sit back and think to write about this experience I am content of the trials that He has lead me to. I have suffered, but I am still in the race. I have been depressed, but I still believe in God’s promises. I have been bitter, but I am still being chastened.

After a long day, I went back to my dorm. I quickly took off my scrubs and sat in the chair with my white under shirt and my boxers. I sat there just thought about my parents. I don’t remember how I got to that place. It may have been the passage from Isaiah 59 that I read earlier this morning. The first verse said, “Behold, the Lord’s hand is hot shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear…” Also, today is when my parents are supposed to be back from their long trip to Vietnam. I have not seen them in months; I have not seen my mother since October and my dad since January. I really miss them. I have spoken to them over the phone multiple times, but it was not a casual conversation. My mother does what mothers do I guess and reminds me what I need to do to avoid being sick and what not. Honestly, I was very annoyed because we don’t have an intimate relationship. Our conversations were hardly ever personal. I look at other families, and I see how close the parents are with their children emotionally and psychologically. But, I lost that connection at a very young age when they sent me off to live with a care taker. Anyhow, I thought about how much I have focus of the bigger picture ever since I started nursing school. Perhaps, this issue started before that. I lost focus of the fact that people are spiritually dying and judgment awaits for them. I have been so focused on the physical body and its disease process. Sure nurses are taught to care holistically, which include’s the patient’s spirituality. However, I am taught this on the world’s term not Christ’s. I cannot call anyone to repentance from their sin, which is the root issue to begin with. I am not saying that all physical ailments are derived from their sin. But, men’s biggest problem, since the time they were born until the time they die, is their sin. I sat in my chair and wept for my parents, and I was felt guilty for not having this as my main priority throughout this time. That is why it’s so important to be in a very health and solid church when I am in such a dark place like this university. Unfortunately, I do not think that is the case, but I just have to accept whatever is there and try to make it by.

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