Journal Entry 31

In the last post, I talked about how I was planning on fasting from the internet (or at least most of my wed browsing). Well, I failed miserably. I realized how I dependent and attached I am to it. I know that when a Christian gives something up, he or she must replace it with something/someone else–that is Christ and His word. The Christian subtracts one thing to add on another thing. However, I did not do that, and that is why I was not able to abstain from the internet. Also, I am aware that it is not legalism to put off the things that are “weight”, as Hebrews 12:1 says, to run this race quicker and more diligence. Striving to have a clear conscience is not legalistic, and I do not look down on others who use the internet. They can be a blessing, but it has caused me more damage than blessed me in the past.

Today is the beginning of a new year, and I do not want to make the assumption that I will live through this year. Yet, planning is not a sin. Boasting about it as if it is definitely going to happen is arrogance. Proverbs 27:1 and James 4:13-14 speaks highly against that type of boasting. I am planning on studying the word more this year. I have been challenged by  theologian, Dr. Robert Reymond to study theology because it is a means of knowing God more, and with that knowledge one can have a clearer understanding of God’s revealed will in His word. I simply do not want nursing school to rob me of study God’s word for two years. I was very hungry for God’s word when I got saved, and I did not waste much time in high school to dig in the Scriptures, and I still managed to do well in my academics. For reason, I stopped believing that God could help me manage school even if I spent adequate time with Him.

Lastly, I want to apologize for my previous blog posts. I recognized through my conscious and the confrontation of other brothers that I had a critical spirit. I do not want to try to defend against that. It was true. I was being critical in an unloving way. I remember reading a quote by Spurgeon on Twitter saying where there is criticism (unholy criticism), the Holy Spirit is not there. The Lord brought that to remembrance for me, out of His love. I want to apologize for the discouragements I may have brought to those who read this. And I also want to apologize for possibly causing others to have a critical spirit likewise. I was not being critical in all of most of my posts, but for which ever one I was being critical in, I was aware of it as I wrote it. I thought that I needed to be honest so that others can see where I was spiritually at. It was like sending an implicit prayer request. And even if I did not say critical things on here, I was still boiling on the inside, and it was a struggle for me. I did not really know what to do with my anger. For those who do not know what I am talking about, I was just upset of how churches are nowadays. The philosophy and methodology of many pastors angered me. And what ignited the fire in me was seeing true children of God suffer from it. Yes, I suffered from it too, for it took awhile for me to find a church. But, I realized from a brother’s rebuke that it is not right for me to make certain judgments of elders and pastors as if I know what it is like to pastor a flock. I may be right in a lot of what I said, but it was still not my place for me to say those things. But, what can I do? One brother told me that I can pray for them and maybe ask them why they do what they do. Often times, members of a church can perceive that their leaders are doing something out of a wrong motive when they may not. Part of that wrong perception seem to stem out of a lack of love. The member of under the authority of that elder thought the worst of him. I learned to avoid by just asking them. I need to be able to confront people more rather than sitting back gossip about them.

These are the things that I am praying for not just for this year, but for life–to become more loving, faithful to God, Christ-like, humble, full of self-control (for the anger), and many more.

As of today, I prayed that the Lord may recover from my sluggishness and sloppiness in this spiritual battle. I am praying that the Lord may remind me of the seriousness of sin lest I fall into the deception that it is not because I am already forgiven. Even though I am forgiven, it has caused me so much damage to my church and my relationship with God.

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